I met his very best friend. The one he bragged about me to. The one that looks up to him like a brother. Seeing their bond just reassured me that he was an amazing man. Guess what? I was accepted. Silly, right? The whole time I was so nervous about meeting the best friend because I was afraid I wouldn’t live up to his expectations. I was going to meet him and he would put me through a test. Instead, he was wonderful. He did everything to make me feel comfortable and showed me a little into their world. Orlando Bloom- thank you for accepting me.
I’m trying not to be sad. I’m trying not to doubt my worth. I’m trying not to cry.
Another perfect week was coming to an end. I wouldn’t be seeing him for a bit because I get my kids back. Their week with me was ours to spend together. He accepted that. I loved that he is a huge supporter of me and made me believe in myself as a mother. I am a good mom. A damn good one. He even wanted to spend time with the kids and they loved him. I broke so many of my rules to be with him. It was worth it. Our last day together he was distant. I know he has so much going on. So much more than I know or that he wanted to share. I left that day feeling an end coming near. I asked him if he had decided. What is the decision he needed to make? Does he want to be with me or not. He said he hadn’t decided yet. He needs time. Thanked me for being patient and giving it to him. I know- that makes me sound desperate… he either wants to be with me or he doesn’t. Why am I allowing this?
Was he pushing me away so he wouldn’t hurt me by leaving? Or was he pushing me away because he doesn’t want me.
The first time I saw him my words were “the new guy is cute.” Of course, I didn’t know how quick and perfect things would be after that moment. My very dear friend said to me “Don’t do it!” Of course, he was joking because neither of us realized that simple statement of mine would lead me down the path that I am on now. Neither of us knew that I was capable of this kind of love. Do I regret it? No. I will forever be thankful to him showing me that love can exist and the whole world can stop when two people share their time together.
He never made me any promises. We were never in a relationship. He was not my boyfriend and I not his girlfriend, but I always found myself wanting, hoping for more. I got lost in the fantasy of our perfect life. I got confused with all the signs he gave me. The way he looked into my eyes like I was the only one in the world he wanted. The way he gave me a key so I will always feel invited into our get-a-way. The way he told me when he would miss when I’m not there as he was drifting off to sleep then apologized for showing me a weakness. I cherish that moment, but did I get it all wrong?
Maybe he loved me too.
But, here I am heartbroken again. Even knowing that, I will not close off my heart. I am still hopeful that one day I will find what I am looking for and I hope that I will be the person someone was looking for. I want to find my match. I thought I found it this time in him. I was so close. I’m never afraid to admit I am wrong, but I was hoping I wouldn’t be this time.
I have experienced many different types of love. Yes- I believe there is more than one type. I’ve been on an adventure these last few years, not knowing the path that I wanted to be one and I have enjoyed it each step of the way. I have found my confidence and with that, my freedom. I have learned to love myself and that I can do this “life” thing on my own. I can support my children, give them a wonderful life without the help of anyone. I have a wonderful career and surround myself with amazing people, but here I am; lonely.
I want to be the easiest decision someone has ever made. I’m not looking for a fairy tale, I am looking for real life. I want to be worth it.
“A hundred times over I’d give it all away for her. I’d give up my kingdom for her heart”- Montgomery
The silly thing about that quote? I don’t want a kingdom. I want him. The mysterious him. Why does one have to settle or lower their standards when looking for a partner? I want it all. “They” say I have high standards, but I don’t think that’s true. I will not settle for anything less than everything. I am a single mom. I want a partner that will support me in parenthood, love my children, give me security, but allow my independence to shine. I want someone to disagree with me when I’m being stubborn, and be strong enough to tell me why. I want someone who is motivated, successful, intelligent and patient. Of course, sexy and great in bed are nice additional perks.
Does true love actually exist? I’d still like to think so.